Two of the hardest things about being a parent heading toward or having already gone through divorce are: 1) When you get married you think you have a loving partner, best friend, and soul-mate to raise your family together for the rest of your life… and then one day your dream is simply gone; and 2) Realizing the potential lifelong emotional and psychological impact on your kids, yet not knowing what to do about it.
Did you sign up for the emotional pain of divorce? The frustration, the hurt, the sorrow, the anger, the anxiety, the loss of trust, the loss of sense of family, the grief, being concerned about your kids?
Of course not! The emotional pain is overwhelming and crippling and the impact on your kids can be devastating.
Divorce is a difficult process, even if your separation is amicable.
An assumption many individuals make going into divorce is that their partner will actually be reasonable and they’ll be able to work together to avoid the financial and emotional impact on them, their children, and the entire family.
One of the most tragic ironies of divorce is that often trust and integrity are replaced with resentment, anger, anxiety, and spite. It’s human nature to get back at someone who has hurt you.
The tragedy of this subconscious determination is that the main people it hurts are you and your children.
So, how do you consciously change things to have a more beneficial impact?
Since the 1990’s divorce rates have been increasing at an alarming rate. Among adults 50 years and up, the divorce rate has doubled. (according to statistics from the National Center for Health Statistics and US Census Bureau).
Why is the divorce rate skyrocketing?
I believe the reasons are a combination of being conditioned during childhood, a lack of awareness, and the tendency to be self-centered.
I’m not sure exactly when things started to change for my ex and me from the dream of being lifelong partners, but WOW, things did change… quickly and dramatically!
We started being together less and less, communications became minimal. We stopped doing things for each other.
We scheduled a family trip with our 3-year-old daughter, hoping the situation would improve.
Upon returning home, we immediately fell into an even darker abyss. Not long after, the ex told me to move out of the house.
I was in complete shock! Yet I was so fed up with the way things were between us that I said “okay!”. I moved out, never to return “home”.
It took me by surprise when a few months later the ex told me she had hoped I would fight for her, for us to be together. I was flabbergasted that she would play games during such a challenging and difficult time for us, and for our daughter.
Reflecting back to this time, I realized not only did I not want to get back together, I had NO IDEA how to navigate what would be a truly bumpy and rocky road of divorce. Neither did the ex.
The day I committed to STOP reacting with anger and to remain calm no matter what, was the day things started to change.
I began to maintain more control over my own reactive emotions. Initially I had no idea that by changing my behavior, the ex would change hers over the next few months as a result.
We certainly weren’t perfect, but we definitely created some major improvement.
The most beneficial effect was on our almost 4-year-old, now 23 year old daughter.
I am grateful to God, to my ex, and to myself that our daughter turned out so well in spite of the two of us. The lessons I learned from the endless challenges of our divorce situation have had a tremendous impact on my life.
For me, change started when I realized I did NOT want to continue down the same dark path and knew I needed to gain Clarity for what I really wanted for my daughter.
This in turn spurred me to realize the importance of Forgiveness, first and foremost of myself. This helped me to let go of dark emotions consuming me and to shift the energy into my commitment to remain calm.
What can you do to learn how to let go of the dark emotions?
Learning from someone who has been where you are and not only survived, but thrived, is the best way to save time, avoid additional pain and hurt, and to figure out how to create the shift you really want for the sake of your kids.
My wife Laurie and I have each been through the pain, agony, and challenges of divorce. We have worked with counselors and coaches, read books, journaled, deepened our faith, and done the self-work.
We created The EX-Factor brand and philosophy for the sake of children of divorce… and for your sake as their parent.
Our heartfelt mission is to help loving parents like you learn how to let go of the anger, frustration, regret, resentment… and to heal the grief… so you can move forward based on the understanding that everything you say and do as a parent teaches and impacts your kids. When you gain Clarity for what you want for your kids, you can map out a plan to actually make it reality.
My book “Split Harmony: Turn The EX-Factor from Chaos to Compassion” led to our designing and creating “The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course”.
The course is an online video course that guides you step by step through four proven life-based principles to create a more harmonious split environment between you and your ex for the sake of your kids, the innocent victims of divorce.
The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course
Sign up now and feel the difference tomorrow!
(Go to the Author’s Resource Box for access)
STOP the unbearable Emotional Pain!
STOP the Financial Drain of the legal fees of the divorce attorneys!
Step Up and Put Your Kids First!
Let Go and Take Control… of yourself and of the underlying dynamics between you and the ex.
There is light at the end of the tunnel…
With Heartfelt Compassion,
Peter and Laurie Hobler
Our Mission: To help parents of divorce create an environment of split harmony for the sake of their kids.